If you haven’t noticed, I very rarely share anything about my personal love life. I do this intentionally, mainly, because I am far from an expert in that arena.
I have had my fair share of false starts in the long runs of my relationships and a lot them were an intentional default. A large part of me didn’t want to finish the race with anyone because I was terrified that they would slow me down.
I didn’t grow up training to be the perfect wife, and I never thought winning the gold meant I would meet a handsome prince charming at the end of the race. Instead of lacing up sneakers to fall into the pack, I spent my days trying to build wings to fly solo.
I dreamt of soaring over open roads, laughing with complete strangers, big city lights, a worn out leather notebook by my side and a handful of colorful feathers that I could shed onto all of the darkness in the world as I flew by.
Having given my wings a rest recently, I decided to catch up with a very good friend of mine (a future 2016 Olympic gold medalists I must add) who knew me well before I knew myself. He told me that if he could sum up who he thought I was in a couple of words it’d be an “athlete” and a “dreamer.”
Hearing his words almost brought me to tears because I was reminded of how much I have lost touch with those aspects of myself over the years. My time is no longer filled with overworked muscles and doodling my dreams in a notebook, I have new priorities.
And although I have experienced an immeasurable amount of joy on this newfound path, a loving relationship being one of them, I still fear that I won’t be able to sustain the best of all worlds forever. And by all, I mean, my relationship, my career, and most importantly, myself.
Which leads me to wonder, can you ever fully love someone without losing a part of yourself in the process?
Even more, can you ever give all of yourself to another person, a TRU calling, and still have left over pieces for yourself as well?
After everything I’ve been through, it may sound out of character, but I would like to believe that you can…Maybe opening up your heart in love simply means that you’re learning a new way to fly… Or maybe, I’m just closer to the “dreamer” part of myself than I thought. And for now, that is enough for me.