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Archive for September, 2011|Monthly archive page

Sober Sally

In Uncategorized on September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Recently, I spent a night on the town with a few of my girlfriends. The evening was filled with an overwhelming amount of laughter, entertainment and a whole lot of quirky dance moves that could put Tom Green in his prime to shame.

By the time the music stopped and we began our 30min truck back home, one of my girlfriends leaned over to me and whispered,

“I don’t know how you do it. I could have never done what you did.”

Uncertain of what she was referring to, I questioned, “What do you mean?”

“I could have never had fun the way you did without drinking. I wish I could do that.”

Hearing her words immediately sent a flashflood of emotions through me. I remembered all too well what it felt like to be on the other side of this conversation- it was much deeper than me being able to drink gingerale all night, and still manage to let loose talking to people, and shaking my petite frame on the dance floor.

“Yes you can” I assured her, “If I can do it, you definitely can!”

She looked down and shook her head, “I don’t think I ever could.”

Again, I was taken back. I knew exactly how she was feeling. I wished I could have rushed into her body and turned on the lights inside of her that would guide her toward the strong and beautiful women she had inside. The one who didn’t need the attention of others to feel alive, or any stimulant to help her feel more comfortable in her own skin. The woman who was already enough, who knew she was enough, and who was waiting, oh so patiently, for her to tap into.

Every one has their own journey, their own story, and it is our obligation to find out just where we want that path to lead.

As for my friend, I could see the confusion that wrestled in the back of her mind when she realized that, there was such a thing as a pretty cool sober sally. I felt her desire to understand more of how this fearless women inside of me had evolved- but the truth is, it was not easy, nor was the decision to party without my old BFF gin & tonic.

I can only compare it to the decision a person makes to becoming a vegan or vegetarian- it goes against all societal norms to do so and they often suffer the repercussions of being labeled “a freak” or “strange,” but it is a personal choice that each person must make for themselves.

For me, it has taken over four years to make the decision wholeheartedly, but it was one I needed to make. As bizarre as it may sound, it actually took ‘practice’ learning how to become more comfortable with myself, and to have fun with just little ol’ me (not to mention, I had to endure some pretty harsh criticism and skepticism along the way).

Wherever your path may lead, whether it is giving up that relationship that is no-longer good for you, or taking it easy on the drinks you let swim through your body on a Saturday night, know that you are worth any and every sacrifice that will lead you to that women inside of you that you is dying to shine through.

You are already enough, and the sooner you realize that- you won’t need anyone, or anything else to fill you.

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar”

~Trina Paulus

Fear of the Unknown

In Uncategorized on September 6, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Last weekend I found myself flying across the Country (yet again) and unlocking the door to my very own hotel room.

As I pushed open the heavy metal divider, into what was supposed to be my newfound home for the rest of the week, I was slammed in the face with the emptiness that came flooding out from within its four walls- reminding me that I was on my own.

I had never been alone in a hotel room without a family member, close friend or my ex-boyfriend before, and I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to survive an entire week of it.

The emptiness that greeted me from the first moment I stepped into the room was paralyzing. It made me physically incapable of kicking off my shoes and getting acquainted with the luxury queen size bed or the flat screen TV. Everything around me was too quiet, too lonely to enjoy.

All of the sudden I wasn’t sure I could make it through this journey alone.

Yes, I admit, this is what I thought I had always wanted: a life filled with traveling, learning, growing and meeting new people, but geeze, this was all happening way too fast!

I didn’t know if I was ready to sleep in a bed whose hypnotizing aroma reminded me of the last vacation I went on with my ex, or if I could unpack my clothes in a room without having to argue with my sisters over who got the closet space.

I was scared of being on my own.

Eventually, after over an hour of deliberation, I finally made my way into the bed. I allowed a few short tears to melt down the overstuffed pillows, as I silently clung to five layers of sheets as if my sanity depended on it. I needed to feel like I wasn’t so alone.

Four or five hours later, the sun came piercing in through the open bedroom window, displaying the beginning of a brand new day– precisely what I needed.

Next thing I knew, I was turning on my favorite iPod playlist and dancing around the empty hotel room to the sounds of my morning muse. I felt alive again, even rejuvenated!

I am not completely sure how I managed to make it through that first night in such a foreign city, but I am beyond grateful that I did. Doing so, pushed me to cross over new boundaries within myself that I didn’t even realize were there.

It forced my heart to expand.

Ultimately, I had one of the most liberating weeks of my life, where building new relationships with complete strangers and laughing uncontrollably became my daily routine. To my surprise, when it came time to leave my little old, lonely hotel room over a week later, I didn’t want to go. I was having too much fun getting to know this new liberated side of myself.

The key was, that even though I was absolutely petrified of being completely on my own, I felt the fear… and yet, pushed past my comfort zone anyway.

I didn’t allow fear of the unknown to control my life, and in return, I again, got a little bit stronger 🙂