trucatalyst

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A New Kind of Flight

In Uncategorized on August 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

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If you haven’t noticed, I very rarely share anything about my personal love life. I do this intentionally, mainly, because I am far from an expert in that arena.

I have had my fair share of false starts in the long runs of my relationships and a lot them were an intentional default. A large part of me didn’t want to finish the race with anyone because I was terrified that they would slow me down.

I didn’t grow up training to be the perfect wife, and I never thought winning the gold meant I would meet a handsome prince charming at the end of the race. Instead of lacing up sneakers to fall into the pack, I spent my days trying to build wings to fly solo.

I dreamt of soaring over open roads, laughing with complete strangers, big city lights, a worn out leather notebook by my side and a handful of colorful feathers that I could shed onto all of the darkness in the world as I flew by.

Having given my wings a rest recently, I decided to catch up with a very good friend of mine (a future 2016 Olympic gold medalists I must add) who knew me well before I knew myself. He told me that if he could sum up who he thought I was in a couple of words it’d be an “athlete” and a “dreamer.”

Hearing his words almost brought me to tears because I was reminded of how much I have lost touch with those aspects of myself over the years. My time is no longer filled with overworked muscles and doodling my dreams in a notebook, I have new priorities.

And although I have experienced an immeasurable amount of joy on this newfound path, a loving relationship being one of them, I still fear that I won’t be able to sustain the best of all worlds forever. And by all, I mean, my relationship, my career, and most importantly, myself.

Which leads me to wonder, can you ever fully love someone without losing a part of yourself in the process?

Even more, can you ever give all of yourself to another person, a TRU calling, and still have left over pieces for yourself as well?

After everything I’ve been through, it may sound out of character, but I would like to believe that you can…Maybe opening up your heart in love simply means that you’re learning a new way to fly… Or maybe, I’m just closer to the “dreamer” part of myself than I thought. And for now, that is enough for me.

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Beyond the Sheets…

In Uncategorized on August 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

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Like a cozy, silk, blanket my life has been quite comforting these days. I have very little to complain about and so much to be grateful for, yet this ‘comfort’ state is a little bit scary for me.

I feel that by wrapping too much of my days in the comfort of this warm embrace, I may neglect the will to push new boundaries.

I have been secretly craving a higher sense of purpose in the past few weeks. Some sort of desire or a fabulous feeling to ignite inside and force me to want to jump out of bed in the morning and leave the comfort of my seductive sheets behind.

Which leads me to wonder, when is it ok to nestle up to your life’s blessings and relax in the safety of it’s promise? And when is it time to throw off the covers and get our feet wet on a new, mysterious, path towards a different chapter in our stories?

How do we know whether we should be leaving our comfort zone or cuddling up next to its’ security?

Am I satisfied with where I am at in my career, personal relationships and physical, emotional and mental health? And if so, is it because I am settling?

Is my life overflowing with enough passion to push me towards another level of both personal and professional success? If not, why not?

Maybe I have yet to find the answers, but as a good friend recently told me, sometimes the questions are even more important than the answers because it proves that you are still growing on your journey.

So, although I am leaving off in a peculiar median, somewhere in between my comfort and my craving for more, I will invite today as the beginning of a brand new day, and even more, a beautiful new beginning beyond the boundaries of my own barriers…

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A Wishing Well of Inspiraiton-

In Uncategorized on July 10, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I used to have this picture taped on my bathroom mirror in my old apartment. It is a photograph from a newspaper of a young female Author doing a reading at a nearby Barnes & Nobles, and the note card that reads “beautiful” was a souvenir from a workshop I had done at a local high school- both reminding me to always love myself and to never give up on my dreams (something I can never be reminded of enough).

Now, a few years later, after having a pretty rough day, I found myself looking through old books for inspiration. I ended up coming across my first AA book where both this crumbled up newspaper image and the “beautiful” notecard were hiding in chapter 11 (my lucky number I might add). Instantly, I was given what I needed to pick my head & heart back up.

Sometimes it’s more difficult then I’d like to admit to stay motivated and keep my creative intuition on full time active duty in my day to day life. Wether it’s trying to seek the will to write, the drive to workout, the passion to stay up late working, the desire to eat healthy, or even the time to pamper myself a little, seeking inspiration can often feel like an endless battle (and with some of the hits I take my armor isn’t built to last forever).

Thankfully, I’m beginning to realize that sometimes all you have to do is is open up your lil heart and surround yourself with something or someone beautiful and let the answers come to you (like chapter 11 did for me). Find the light that is already surrounding you and have it shine directly onto all of the darkness that is hindering your ability to move forward.

For in the end you will discover that as much as we “seek out” and “look for” motivation in this crazy world, if we look close enough we will always find that it is not “out there” but within us– and believe it or not, it’s not only full of great ideas and enough passion to put the Notebook to shame, but it’s an infinite well of inspiration… because it’s you!

You are the inspiration…. now get out of your own way and let you do your job 🙂

 

Waitress Turned Writer

In Uncategorized on June 29, 2012 at 6:49 pm

So earlier this month I did one of the most nerve wrecking and terrifying things in my career- I threw away my old waitressing apron.

I know I know, pretty dramatic! But the truth is that my apron represented so much more than a measly piece of black cloth that I wrapped around my waste every night to take orders from strangers. It represented a lifelong struggle of fighting for something that technically wasn’t in the cards for a lil old, troubled, biracial girl such as myself.

It was this time last year I remember crying behind a dumpster behind the local restaurant I was working at because, I was losing hope that I made the right decision to pursue such an unconventional career path. I was truly terrified that I would always need to serve tables to survive.

Now, only a year later- I officially graduated from my nearly 10 year career as a waitress- with much hesitation mind you. I had been a waitress so long that I allowed so much of what it entailed to define me. I waited tables to get me through school, to keep up with bills, to be able to abandon the conventional corporate america 9-5, to write a book, and to build Truality- being a server served me well for those purposes, but it was always a means to an end for me. I knew there was much more I both wanted and was capable of doing with my life.

In the end, I am forever grateful for the people I met in the industry along with a lot of the tough lessons I learned in the process. Most importantly, I am proud to have been able to do whatever it took to follow my dreams (even if it meant not being able to drive a fancy car and having to eat dinner off the McDonald’s $1 menu every other night).

Being a waitress for almost 1/2 my life made me realize that having a dream can help you get through the day, but being able to commit to the turbulent and difficult journey you will have to travel in order to get there is what will separate you from the rest. Being able to smile as you wipe others slobbery leftovers off a plate, or laugh when a pretentious customer tries to make you think they’re better than you- those are the moments that will serve as your strength in molding you into the person you deserve to be.

So no-matter what you are doing to work towards your dreams, never forget the big picture of what you are fighting for- be it a degree, to support your family, to stay sober, to make it on the big screen, to travel the world, to be self-sufficient, or simply to find time to find yourself- you wouldn’t be given the gift of life if you weren’t meant to make the most of it. Never forget that no-matter the costs & sacrifices, you’re worth every bit of it… (and so our your dreams 🙂

Stay TRU my loves ❤

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Ready, Set…Release

In Uncategorized on May 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I’ve missed writing.

I feel like I have gotten so caught up in the webs of obligations and expectations recently, that I haven’t allowed my words a chance to run freely on the pages. I haven’t watched as my letters danced and dangled onto a blank white screen as if no one was watching.

Writing is my way to make sense of my mind that never seems to want to make sense of me. It is my chance to take everything I am feeling and release it to wherever it needs to go… And I’ve discovered, that there is such a sense of freedom in release.

Whether it is the release of a bad habit, a negative friendship or even a hopeless romance that never seems to fulfill your innermost needs. Letting go is the only way to allow enough space in your life for what is needed to be let in.

Letting go of doubt and allowing confidence to reign in. Letting go of fear and watching in amazement as courage takes over (and it will). And even letting go of that hold you have on the past, so that the future can finally be set free.

Release your breathe, your hate, your frustrations and even your spirit. Release it all into the world and watch, as it releases you…

Happy Sober Sally Bday to Me :)

In Uncategorized on March 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm

 

So today is a day I never thought, or at times even wanted, to happen.

One of my best amigos, Angel, has been telling me since the day  we met that as soon as I stopped wasting all of my potential on drugs & alcohol that my dreams, and I, would be unstoppable. I never truly understood what he meant until now.

Exactly a year ago today, I made a vow to myself and to the God of my own understanding that I would no longer give any part of myself away to drugs or alcohol. I never really thought I would be able to do it, and let me tell you it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, but through the unwavering support of those I love, I have made it this far.  I have been secretly struggling with my sobriety since I went to rehab over 4 years ago, but I could never truly wrap my heart around the idea that being sober is what “I truly wanted for myself.”  I thought life without drinking & drugs would not be a life I would be able to have fun living, so I honestly wanted no part of the idea.

No-matter how many times I humiliated, hurt, or endangered myself, there was never a low too far that I wasn’t willing to go, even hitting rock bottom was never enough. It wasn’t until March 27th 2011, where something in me had had enough, and it wasn’t because of something terrible that happened, in fact, it was the exact opposite. It was the day I finally accepted who I was and that living a sober lifestyle was possible after all. I was at a bar with a large group of people and everyone was trying to push drinks & shots down my throat.  Somehow by the grace of God (and a lot of phone calls to my sponsor in the bathroom) I managed to wake up the next morning completely sober. Yes, I had to endure an intense amount of ridicule during the first half of the night, but by the end, everyone was so drunk around me that they just assumed I was too. I ended up having a great time, and that is when it finally set in that I may be able to live a sober lifestyle and still have fun being me after all.  There has definitely been a fair share of those who don’t particularly like my newfound lifestyle (I’m probably not as entertaining as I used to be), but I have finally accepted that it’s none of my business what anyone else thinks of me.

If you would have told me that by giving up drinking & drugs that my life would have improved as dramatically as it has in just one year, I would have laughed at you and proceeded in the other direction. I NEVER would have imagined that I could feel so happy and enlightened before, and that the dark cloud of anger & sadness that used to hover over my heart everywhere I went would finally evaporate into a glowing ray of laughter, love & gratitude.

Within the first 30 days of being sober, I re-enrolled in school (my PHD in Human Science), I signed with an amazing Speaking Agency, and I finished my book (which I had been working on for over two years)! Within the following months I published my book, I was traveling and meeting people from all around the country, laughing more than I ever have before,  re-connecting with the love of mi vida loca, and most importantly, re-building my relationships with not only my TRU self, but with my close friends and family as well.

So in honor of everyone who has continued to love me throughout the years, in spite of me, thank you so much for inspiring me to just be little old, sober sally, me. I love you with all of my corazon and I can’t wait to see what the following years will bring us!

 

 

Stay TRU, Pass it on…truality.org

OWN Your Chkn Sh*t!

In Uncategorized on March 7, 2012 at 5:03 am

One of my best friends told me today, “You are more of a chicken sh*t than I am when it comes to talking about your feelings, but your crazy enough to do it anyways. You’re like someone who is afraid of heights but goes sky diving anyway.”

This couldn’t be closer to the truth. You would never know by the lifestyle that I lead, but I am truly terrified of making myself vulnerable to others. And now that my book is available for anyone to read, it feels as if I’m taking a huge nosedive into the open air (but without a parachute).

My friend then proceeded to tell me, “you need to OWN your sh*t” something he’s been trying to engrain in my psyche for quite some time now.

Own my sh*t?!

OWN my sh*t?!

Now why didn’t I think of that?!

It is never comfortable unveiling the truth behind what has caused me pain in my life, but it is something I am deathly afraid of doing, so therefore, I force myself to overcome it. We all have things we’re insanely petrified of, but it’s those exact things that will force our minds and hearts to expand.

Whether you are afraid to tell someone how you truly feel, ashamed to put down the bottle and get help, or scared to death to quit your job and pursue something that is more fulfilling, when it comes to your fears, sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take the plunge! Dive right into your heart and fall freely into the hidden valley’s of your TRU potential. Tap into that person inside of you who sets boundaries and limits in your life, and take away their key. Get back in the drivers seat and steer your chicken sh*t self in the real direction that you want, and more importantly, deserve, to go.

Don’t allow your fear of pain, or sadness, rejection, or even happiness to keep you from becoming all that you can be.

You are the only one getting in the way of you and your dreams and that person deep down, that you know you can be!

Stay TRU, Pass it on… truality.org

Rising to a New Year

In Uncategorized on January 1, 2012 at 7:55 pm

What falls can rise again…

For many, this New Year is an opportunity to start over,
begin again, and rebuild the daily routines in which our lives our firmly
rooted. As for me, I have decided to dedicate this newfound year to an idea
that a good friend of mine likes to refer to as, resurgencerising or tending to rise again.

In honor of my friends idea, I hereby pledge my hope for the
New Year to any and everyone who has been let down by relationships, thrown down by the economy, and/or held down my unjust institutions.

May this be YOUR year to rise again!

Since our relationships, health and financial state, are all, a direct reflection of what we feel we are worth, then it’s time we start valuing ourselves enough to lead the life we truly deserve. It’s time to forget
about anything holding us back or anyone trying to hold us down. It’s time to stop making excuses and start making things happen.

It begins with a commitment to value yourself. Are you worth
the sacrifice it will take to get that new place you want? To make it in the
big city on your own? To let go of that unhealthy relationship? To break free
of that job that is only bringing you down? To trade in complacency for a few months of hard work and eating off the dollar menu in order to chase that dream that you’ve always wanted?

This moment is all you have. Even more, IT’S ALL YOU NEED.

Start now.

You’re already equipped with everything you need to make it
happen; the breath flowing through your body. Now all you need, is to know, that you are worth the life you want, and you are worth any and every sacrifice it will take to get you there. 

May this New Year be your chance, your opportunity, and your
natural birthright
to rise again.

When I think back to how broken and hopeless I was at the
beginning of this year, I get overwhelmed with gratitude at knowing I was given another chance, at life, to rise again.

This is your one and only life…So do yourself a little favor,
and value who you are, and live your one and only life, like you mean it.

 

 

Reflecting on my Reflections

In Uncategorized on November 13, 2011 at 12:02 am

“What is the purpose of a mirror?” She asked pensively.

“Why it’s for reflection, my dear.”

For the past few weeks I have been staring into my reflection in disgust and loitering around in what Dr. Seuss likes to refer to as the “Waiting Place.” 

Looking and waiting for what exactly? I don’t even think I know.

It could be that I’m looking for a big opportunity to sweep me off of my feet or for a better sense of security to comfort my bank account. It might be that I’m waiting around for the moment I’ll get to see my nieces and nephews again or the week where I’ll be reunited with all of my 5 crazy siblings at once. It could quite possibly be, though, that I’m just holding out for the day that I’ll have earned my PHD, toured the country with TRU, or finally got to see my books on shelves at the local bookstore.

Or maybe I’m just looking for a sign, waiting for a feeling, or simply hanging around for a muse to take me out of myself and back into the heart of who I am.  

“But what if you don’t like what you see when you look at your reflection?” She pressed on

“Then you’re not looking in the right places, darling.”

So I searched again, but this time I wasn’t looking at my “reflection”, I began to “reflect.”

Looking back, I’ve gone from living in the desert, to NYC, to Germany, back to the desert & then right back to New York again. I’ve been to the darkest and scariest places in my soul, to the places in my heart that exuded enough light to bring me back to a beautiful life again. I’ve been in worn down dresses on the side of the road putting oil into my broke-down car, to having a driver pick me up at the airport on the way to a paid event. I’ve gone from spending 12-14 hours a day writing in every neighborhood Starbucks, bookstore and 24hour diner, to signing a deal to become an official, published author. I’ve gone from years and years of serving tables, dancing on bar tops, to rehab, and then to a fulfilled and meaningful sober lifestyle.

But through it all, I sometimes still find myself looking at my reflection and waiting; lingering in time like a droplet of water that’s hanging on the tip of a felted, fall leaf. 

And I wonder if I stay here long enough will I simply evaporate into nothing? Fall fatally to my ultimate demise? Or hop on a wave of wind and soar through to the nearest land of water where I will continue to grow, evolve, and explore?

“I think I can finally see what I’m looking for.”

“And what is that, my dear?”

“I can’t tell you now… the waves are coming.”

Caution: Free Inspiration

In Uncategorized on October 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

 

5 fabulous free tips when in need of some inspiration:

*Take a long, deep breath and hold it in for 5 seconds before slowly releasing it….

*Stare at a small animal or insect for a few minutes and discover human life in its purest form.

*Watch carefully as a droplet of water makes its’ way down your window ceil or glass of water- reminding us how truly effortless life can be.

*Stretch and expand your body- releasing all of the built up toxins hiding behind tight muscles and rusty ligaments.

*Give yourself a little chuckle and smile as you ask yourself, “What miracles are going to happen to me today?”